Slaying Dragons & Stress Management

[mjenson]

A Perspective On Stress

My son recently got glasses after a routine check up showed he needed them. Mental health is like a pair of glasses through which we perceive the world and experience life. Like glasses that get dirty over time (or instantly in the case of my son), our perception of ourselves and the world can become cloudy with the buildup of stress. This buildup is often so gradual that we don't notice it until things get really bad. Stress weighs on us mentally and physically more the longer we carry it. Besides the natural buildup, we also face pressure to perform or keep up appearances which makes it harder to admit when we need help. The good news is that, just like with glasses, there are some things that can help you manage your stress and keep your mental health clearer.

When I was twelve years old I found myself in a bad place with my mental health. As I struggled to manage my mental and emotional load, I discovered that my environment affected my feelings. From that discovery, I started organizing and reorganizing my room regularly as a way to manage the stress I felt - cleaning my mental health glasses. The lessons I learned have served me through many situations and I have found they apply to other areas of life too. I want to share three insights that have come from the world of organization with a heavy dose of metaphor and a sprinkling of examples.

Put Out the Fires

When there is a fire, job one is to get to safety - survive. Job two is to stop the fire, but that only happens when you have done job one. Like a fire, stress spreads from one area of our lives to another. Although stress is almost always a symptom of deeper problems, it is important to manage stress first so our situation doesn't get any more frantic or overwhelming. Managing stress could look like taking a walk to clear your head, tidying a room, walling off a block of time on your calendar to focus, or a million other things that work for you. The point is to prioritize the essential so you can get to a point where you can fight the fires.

When it comes to organizing, survival can come in many forms. Sometimes it might look like shoveling clutter into closets and drawers because of a short notice visit from your mother-in-law. It could instead be a frantic session to get the dishes done before your wife comes home from shopping and you promised to finish before then. This kind of stress management survival isn't about being perfect or optimized. We all know there is a better way to do things, but when the unexpected moment comes we can only do the best we can. Doing it better will come later. Don't straighten deck chairs on the Titanic. Survive the moment. That is job one.

As you survive stressful situations, beware of a pattern of oscillating between urgent & important situations (fires) and unimportant activities that suck up all your time and energy. Stress eating after a particularly difficult time is fine if it will help you get through. If that turns into a regular pattern, then you will face some big long-term consequences. Retail therapy to celebrate surviving a visit from the in-laws when you had to hide your excess is in the same category. Watching some Netflix to unwind after a difficult day is fine, however if you only have two speeds - stressed or escaping, then you are missing the opportunity to build a better process with less intense and frequent stress.

Slay the Dragon

Once things have calmed down a bit, it is time to slay the dragon - the source of the fires. Your dragon can be many things - an incompetent leader, difficult coworker, a pattern of avoiding difficult conversations, or sloppy habits. Most of the time, a hard look at the situation will reveal that the dragon comes back to you. There are things you did wrong or neglected to do right that led to the buildup of stress. If that is the case, it can be a tough pill to swallow, but it is good news. Were the causes of stress all external, your only option would be to wait for it to get better. Should you find that you are contributing to the stress, then you have leverage to improve the situation. As Smokey the Bear says, "Only YOU can prevent [stress] fires".

Keep in mind that dragons don't go down easily. Dragon slaying is often a team effort. Before you charge in, make sure you are supplied with resources (understanding, time, and maybe a few practice runs), and are backed up with a party to support and guide you in the process. Your party should be composed of people who are loyal to you (friends & family), and people who know the process - experts. If the dragon you need to face has to do with relationships, consider talking to a therapist or someone who is really good at building relationships. If you need to confront clutter, read or watch some Marie Kondo or other organizing experts and make a plan of attack. Preparation and support will help you win.

It may take a few skirmishes to finally take down the dragon and that's okay. If you have a 10% improvement after one attempt, that still means you're building momentum and cutting down stress. Maybe your kids don't pick up their dirty clothes yet, but the garbage gets taken out before it overflows onto the floor. Perhaps the dirty dishes make it to the dishwasher instead of piling up in the sink. Those are wins. As you rack up the small wins, you'll get better at learning what works and what doesn't in contending with the dragon until you finally can subdue it faster and easier than you thought possible. Hello, clean house. Hello, less stress.

In Another Castle

There are a couple limitations with the dragon metaphor. First, there are many dragons out there. It may be on the same day that you finally figure out beating one dragon when you realize there are a couple more you will need to face. Life is an unending string of opportunity and challenges. Having your house perfectly ordered or any other individual victory does not mean you will live stress free. There will always be more to do and learn and thank goodness for that because it keeps life interesting. 

A second limitation of the dragon metaphor is that you don't ever really defeat a dragon, they always come back. I have been organizing for more than 20 years. Each time my circumstances change (moving, roommates, kids, hobbies, to name a few), the dragon comes back again to contend with in a new way. Even without major changes, we battle daily to keep our space organized and cut stress. There is always more laundry. There will always be challenging people and circumstances that make the dragons flare up. Don't let that get you down.

In light of dragon slaying and stress management being truly lifelong endeavors, I have three general recommendations.

1. Prioritize the things that matter most. A priority is literally the thing you do first, before everything else. You can only truly have one priority at a time. Getting the essential things done as soon as you can and before everything else will keep the dragons and the stress at bay.
2. Bias yourself towards action. You can think yourself to death. The longer you spend thinking about a problem without doing anything to solve it, the larger it becomes in your mind. Making and executing a plan, rallying support, and taking other actions will bring you success thinking alone never can.
3. Learn to enjoy the fight. At the end of the day, the enemy is not stress. The real enemy is shrinking. If when the stress comes, you shrink away and blame the dragons, the stars, or anything else, you are ceding territory you might have won and been able to enjoy. Fighting dragons isn't easy, but it is a far sight better than dying a slow death as we shrink from challenge over and over. If you can learn to enjoy facing the challenges and make friends along the way, that is perhaps the best way to live. 

Final Thoughts

Stress management is not supposed to be stressful. If you are overwhelmed with where to start then try turning the problem into an experiment or a game. I started experimenting with organization because I was curious about how I felt in different spaces and was looking for a way to manage my life and the stress I felt better. That process has been a vehicle for learning and growth and a source of peace in a stressful world. Instructure was founded when a couple of college students realized that there were frustrating limitations in the systems people had access to at the time and so they experimented with Canvas and later other tools and have impacted millions of people. 

Today, I challenge you to get curious about the sources of stress in your life and create an experiment to try to make things better. You might find a new hobby, career path, source of peace of mind, or even a way to touch millions of people out there.